Due to the re-emergence of Nicolas Cage in the box office top ten, we are veering from our normal numbers-based discussion of this weekend’s movies and focusing on the travesty that is the perpetuation of Mr. Cage’s career. We would like to point out that this week’s anchor happens to be Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (33.91). It’s nice to see the award goes back to the man for whom it was started. Please note that these are all solely the opinions of Andy Martinelli and no one else at Misix.
Fish. I hate fish. All fish. Most people can’t understand this and they ask me if I have tried this variation or that variation swearing up and down that it doesn’t taste “fishy”. Every once in a while I will break down and try the recommended dish…and every time it’s terrible. Nicolas Cage is a lot like fish. Those of you that know me know that I have a strong aversion to his “acting”, if that’s what you want to call it. I rant and rave that I find it reprehensible that he is paid to be in movies. I have gone so far as to statistically prove that he is a terrible actor. Some of you have insisted that I have been unfair to Mr. Cage and that I should give him another chance by watching his latest film, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Maybe this variation of Nicolas Cage fish will be better. It is in 3D after all, and like a fine garlic butter sauce, maybe the special effects will make this Filet O’ Cage more tolerable…not even a little bit. For those interested, I am going to give my thoughts on both the movie and Mr. Cage’s “performance”. For those who do not wish to read further, thanks for getting this far.
The elusive Cage Fish – source of the foul tasting Filet O’ Cage
Let me first set the stage. I went to a late showing as a result of the embarrassment I felt in realizing that I was going to pay to see this movie. There were a few others in the cinema. If you have ever seen a movie or television scene that takes place in a theater showing an adult film, you can get an idea of the shame people had on their faces. No one would look each other in the eye and no one sat anywhere near another person. They wanted to watch the movie and never let anyone know they had. Given Mr. Cage’s performance I do not blame them. Have any of you seen an epileptic dog that has one eye and every time he has a seizure he craps himself and yellow ooze drips out of his eye socket? Me neither, but after watching Nic “act” in the sequences where he turns into “The Rider”, I have an idea of what that dog looks like. Like any good Cage flick, he starts laughing maniacally while screaming incomprehensible phrases. His delivery of well crafted lines such as “You’re the devil’s baby mama…I get it” and [in reference to “The Rider” and while laughing in a crazed manner] “He’s scrapin’ at the door…scrapin’ at the door. Tell me what I need to or I will eat your soul,” was nothing less than abusive to the senses. It was hard for me to believe, but 3D Nic Cage is far worse than 2D Nic Cage. In 3D, a person’s eyes are repeatedly pummeled with the worn-out catcher’s mitt that I can only assume was once a face. Seriously, time has been unkind to you Nic. All the special effects and “3D Magic” couldn’t mask the fish taste that is his acting…still there…still sucks.
Let’s examine the movie. Going into the movie I didn’t realize it was a documentary, but it has to be. Towards the beginning of the movie, the story of “The Rider” is explained, but it sounds more like the explanation of Mr. Cage’s career. He “made a deal with the devil” and is now “sucking out souls”. Those that have watched Weather Man can attest to feeling void of a soul once the movie ends. There is more evidence that this is a documentary. When Mr. Cage becomes “The Rider”, everything he touches goes up in flames. As we statistically proved, when Mr. Cage enlists his services on a film, it too goes up in flames. One last bit of evidence, just like nothing seems to be able to kill Mr. Cage’s career, nothing can kill “The Rider”. I have to admit, this was one of the better documentaries I have seen. All joking aside, this movie is terrible. My eight-month old niece and nephew literally leave more entertaining piles of poop in their diapers. The only thing that could possibly make this movie worse would be to have Nickelback play on the soundtrack. There was one funny part, when the credits rolled, they listed Mr. Cage as an actor. Nearly soiled myself laughing so hard. Once again, Nic Cage has insulted not only the movie industry, but those, like us, who go to the movies. If you decide to see this movie, remember, “He’s scrapin’ at the door…scrapin’ at the door” and you my leave the theater having had a piece of your soul sucked out of you.