Due to the re-emergence of Nicolas Cage in the box office top ten, we are veering from our normal numbers-based discussion of this weekend’s movies and focusing on the travesty that is the perpetuation of Mr. Cage’s career.  We would like to point out that this week’s anchor happens to be Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (33.91). It’s nice to see the award goes back to the man for whom it was started.  Please note that these are all solely the opinions of Andy Martinelli and no one else at Misix.

Fish.  I hate fish.  All fish.  Most people can’t understand this and they ask me if I have tried this variation or that variation swearing up and down that it doesn’t taste “fishy”.  Every once in a while I will break down and try the recommended dish…and every time it’s terrible.  Nicolas Cage is a lot like fish.  Those of you that know me know that I have a strong aversion to his “acting”, if that’s what you want to call it.  I rant and rave that I find it reprehensible that he is paid to be in movies.  I have gone so far as to statistically prove that he is a terrible actor.  Some of you have insisted that I have been unfair to Mr. Cage and that I should give him another chance by watching his latest film, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.  Maybe this variation of Nicolas Cage fish will be better.  It is in 3D after all, and like a fine garlic butter sauce, maybe the special effects will make this Filet O’ Cage more tolerable…not even a little bit.  For those interested, I am going to give my thoughts on both the movie and Mr. Cage’s “performance”. For those who do not wish to read further, thanks for getting this far.

The elusive Cage Fish – source of the foul tasting Filet O’ Cage

Let me first set the stage.  I went to a late showing as a result of the embarrassment I felt in realizing that I was going to pay to see this movie.  There were a few others in the cinema.  If you have ever seen a movie or television scene that takes place in a theater showing an adult film, you can get an idea of the shame people had on their faces.  No one would look each other in the eye and no one sat anywhere near another person.  They wanted to watch the movie and never let anyone know they had.  Given Mr. Cage’s performance I do not blame them.  Have any of you seen an epileptic dog that has one eye and every time he has a seizure he craps himself and yellow ooze drips out of his eye socket? Me neither, but after watching Nic “act” in the sequences where he turns into “The Rider”, I have an idea of what that dog looks like.  Like any good Cage flick, he starts laughing maniacally while screaming incomprehensible phrases.  His delivery of well crafted lines such as “You’re the devil’s baby mama…I get it” and [in reference to “The Rider” and while laughing in a crazed manner] “He’s scrapin’ at the door…scrapin’ at the door.  Tell me what I need to or I will eat your soul,” was nothing less than abusive to the senses.  It was hard for me to believe, but 3D Nic Cage is far worse than 2D Nic Cage. In 3D, a person’s eyes are repeatedly pummeled with the worn-out catcher’s mitt that I can only assume was once a face. Seriously, time has been unkind to you Nic.  All the special effects and “3D Magic” couldn’t mask the fish taste that is his acting…still there…still sucks.

Let’s examine the movie.  Going into the movie I didn’t realize it was a documentary, but it has to be.  Towards the beginning of the movie, the story of “The Rider” is explained, but it sounds more like the explanation of Mr. Cage’s career.  He “made a deal with the devil” and is now “sucking out souls”.  Those that have watched Weather Man can attest to feeling void of a soul once the movie ends.  There is more evidence that this is a documentary.  When Mr. Cage becomes “The Rider”, everything he touches goes up in flames.  As we statistically proved, when Mr. Cage enlists his services on a film, it too goes up in flames.  One last bit of evidence, just like nothing seems to be able to kill Mr. Cage’s career, nothing can kill “The Rider”.  I have to admit, this was one of the better documentaries I have seen.  All joking aside, this movie is terrible.  My eight-month old niece and nephew literally leave more entertaining piles of poop in their diapers.  The only thing that could possibly make this movie worse would be to have Nickelback play on the soundtrack.  There was one funny part, when the credits rolled, they listed Mr. Cage as an actor.  Nearly soiled myself laughing so hard.  Once again, Nic Cage has insulted not only the movie industry, but those, like us, who go to the movies.  If you decide to see this movie, remember, “He’s scrapin’ at the door…scrapin’ at the door” and you my leave the theater having had a piece of your soul sucked out of you.

The Misix Movie Quality Index (61.83) increased (3.64) largely as a result of One for the Money (28.87) falling out of the top 10.  With Valentine’s Day around the corner The Vow (48.74) took the top spot.  Apparently, Rachel McAdams losing her memory is great film…remember The Notebook?  One trick pony George Lucas needed some extra money, so he re-released Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (56.99) in 3D.  It turns out that space politics is no more exciting in 3D than 2D.  The Rock joined the 3D bandwagon as Journey 2: The Mysterious Island 3D (49.72) opened this weekend.  Safe House (59.57) was rated the best of the four movies that opened this weekend. The Woman in Black (65.83), Harry Potter’s new movie, Chronicle (74.09), the feel good whale saving Big Miracle (63.91) and The Grey (69.92) continued to perform well.  George Clooney’s The Descendants (81.94) had the highest rating again this week. The honor of this week’s anchor belongs to The Vow. The revenue adjusted index (57.08) decreased (6.34) largely as a result of the weakness of this week’s top four movies. The overall movie index managed to peak its head above the average rating (61.43) indicating that, as a group, this weekend’s top ten were average with only a few solid movie choices.  Next week Nicolas Cage returns…

The Misix Movie Quality Index (58.19) stayed largely unchanged from last week as those movies that fell out of the top ten were replaced by movies of similar quality.  Chronicle (74.59), Harry Potter’s new movie The Woman in Black (66.24) and the feel good whale saving Big Miracle (64.15) all opened with strong ratings. The Grey (69.92) continued to perform well, while One for the Money (28.87) and Man on a Ledge (47.56) continued to underwhelm audiences.  George Clooney’s The Descendants (81.94) had the highest rating again this week and Underworld Awakening (47.47), Red Tails (49.23) and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (51.99) continued their subpar performances.  The honor of this week’s anchor, once again, belongs to One for the Money. The revenue adjusted index (63.42) increased (6.82), largely as a result of the strength of this week’s top four movies. The overall movie index continued to perform below the average rating (61.42) indicating that, as a group, this weekend’s top ten were below average and that this was a weekend with only a few solid movie choices.

The Misix Movie Quality Index (58.06) had a fairly significant decline (3.43) from last week. Much of the decrease occurred as a result of a few movies falling out of the top 10.  Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol (79.58), Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (60.56), and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (77.75) all fell out of the top 10 this week.  Their replacements The Grey (69.92), One for the Money (32.64) and Man on a Ledge (45.72) were not as well liked as their predecessors.  The top 10 welcomed back George Clooney’s The Descendants (82.10) with open arms as it was the movie with the highest rating for the week.  The four movies that were added to the top 10 last week continued their subpar performances: Underworld Awakening (48.88), Red Tails (49.23), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (51.65) and Haywire (68.68).  The honor of this week’s anchor belongs to One for the Money. The revenue adjusted index (56.60) decreased (0.83), largely as a result of the removal of the aforementioned highly rated movies. The overall movie index was back below the average rating (61.50) indicating that, as a group, this weekend’s top ten were below average and that this was a weekend with only a few solid movie choices.

The Misix Movie Quality Index (64.03) had a significant increase (7.01) from last week. Much of the increase occurred as a result of a few movies falling out of the top 10.  Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (27.38) and The Devil Inside (21.65) both fell out of the top 10 this week pushing up the overall index.  Four movies were added to the top 10 for the first time this week with moderate success: Underworld Awakening (57.75), Red Tails (55.25, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (53.50) and Haywire (67.25). Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol (79.58), Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (60.56), and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (77.75) continued to do their strong performances, pushing the overall index higher.  The honor of this week’s anchor belongs to Joyful Noise. The revenue adjusted index (60.98) increased (2.08), the second straight week of increases, largely as a result of the removal of the aforementioned duds. The overall movie index was back in front of the average rating (61.67) indicating that, as a group, this weekend’s top ten were above average and that this was a weekend with all around solid movie choices.

The Misix Movie Quality Index (57.02) declined significantly (2.82) from last week. Much of the decline occurred as a result of a few movies falling out of the top 10.  Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (80.53), We Bought a Zoo (63.83) and The Adventures of Tintin (72.25) were replaced by Contraband (54.74), Joyful Noise (42.30), Beauty and the Beast (75.91) and The Iron Lady (55.59). The star-studded romantic comedy New Year’s Eve (30.12) was finally removed from the top 10, but two other duds, Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (27.38) and this week’s anchor, The Devil Inside (21.65) are still dragging the overall index down. Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol (79.58), Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (60.56), The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (77.75) and War Horse (74.74) continued to do their best to push the overall indeed higher. The revenue adjusted index (58.90) increased (2.55) largely as a result of The Devil Inside shifting from the number one movie to the number six movie on the list. The overall movie index was once again below the average rating (61.60) indicating that, as a group, this weekend’s top ten were weak.  However, there are some strong movies out that would be solid choices.

The Misix Movie Quality Index (59.84) remained largely unchanged from last week’s mediocre performance (-0.04) despite three of the top four movies performing well. Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol (79.75), Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (60.73) and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (77.83) continued strong performances, but the top movie, The Devil Inside (30.34), almost ended up being this week’s anchor.  This week’s anchor, yet again, is latest edition to the Chipmunk franchise, Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (27.63).  War Horse (75.41), We Bought a Zoo (63.83) and The Adventures of Tintin (72.25) all continue to perform well.  A new edition to the top 10, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (80.53), had the highest rating for the weekend.  The index was bookended by poor movies, The Devil Inside at the top spot and the star-studded romantic comedy New Year’s Eve (30.12) – Sarah Jessica Parker included – at number 10. The revenue adjusted index (56.35) dropped (-7.58) as a result of The Devil Inside performing less than admirably in the top spot.  The overall movie index was once again below the average rating (61.85) indicating that, as a group, this weekend’s top ten were weak.  However, there are some strong movies out that would be solid choices.

The Misix Movie Quality Index (59.88) declined slightly from last week’s strong performance (-0.70) despite the return of the George Clooney hit The Descendents (82.27).  The latest installments of two franchises, Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol (79.58) and Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (61.14) continued to perform well.  However, the latest edition to the Chipmunk franchise, Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (27.62), continues to underwhelm audiences even though it’s performing well financially.  War Horse (74.82), The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (77.91), We Bought a Zoo (64.41) and The Adventures of Tintin (72.00) all continue to perform well.  The index continues to be weighed down by the star-studded romantic comedy New Year’s Eve (29.63) – Sarah Jessica Parker included - and The Darkest Hour (29.45). Once again, this week’s anchor belongs to Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.  Congratulations yet again. The revenue adjusted index (63.92) declined (-1.33) as a result of Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked moving up a spot in the box office revenue rankings and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo moving down two spots.  The overall movie index was once again below the average rating (61.85) indicating that, as a group, this weekend’s top ten were weak.  However, there are some strong movies out that would be solid choices.

The Misix Movie Quality Index (60.48) made significant gains from last week’s poor performance (3.67) despite mixed results for this week’s openers.  The latest installments of two franchises, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (63.13) and Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol (81.99) performed well.  However, the latest edition to the Chipmunk franchise, Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (27.20), did not fare as well.  The index was also helped by the removal of the Adam Sandler anchor Jack and Jill. The middle of the rankings were riddled with below average movies, the star-studded romantic comedy New Year’s Eve (29.37) – Sarah Jessica Parker included -  and The Sitter (42.14), starring Jonah Hill and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (44.46).  Adding to the quality of this weekend’s top ten revenue grossing movies were The Muppets (82.17), Arthur Christmas (75.67), Hugo (84.27) and Young Adult (74.43). Despite all its efforts, New Year’s Eve still is just shy of being this week’s anchor.  That honor goes to Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.  Congratulations. The revenue adjusted index (55.71) rose slightly (1.17) as a result of the quality of Sherlock Holmes and Mission Impossible.  The overall movie index was still well below the average rating (61.89) indicating that the top 10 movies were a relatively poor buy for the week.

The Misix Movie Quality Index (56.81) dropped sharply (-6.65) as a result of two movies that opened this weekend, the star-studded romantic comedy New Year’s Eve (30.04) – Sarah Jessica Parker included -  and The Sitter (42.22), starring Jonah Hill.  The quality of this weekend’s top ten revenue grossing movies came, again, from The Muppets (82.34), Arthur Christmas (75.75), Hugo (84.60) and The Descendants (82.61).   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (44.55) and Happy Feet Two (51.48) continued with fairly weak performances.  Despite New Year’s Eve making a run for it, Jack and Jill (24.29) was once again this week’s anchor.  The revenue adjusted index also dropped sharply (-8.12) as a result of this week’s top two revenue grossing movies not being well-received.  The overall movie index was well below the average rating (61.94) indicating that the top 10 movies were a relatively poor buy for the week.